Giant Steps Coaching – Fall Newsletter Sept. 2009

Hi, and welcome my quarterly newsletter. One of my goals this year is to collaborate more. Coaching is my life and I enjoy talking to my clients more than just about anything and yet I know there is even more I can be doing. Having worked in corporate life, I miss working with a team, learning from them and creating things that you can’t create alone. This is one of the reasons why I run a men’s group. I love the process of group work too! Working with talented professionals is like on the job training for me and it keeps my mind sharp too. How are you doing with your goals this year? I know you may have slacked off this summer; it’s only natural. Right now is a terrific time to check in…

Fall Special Coaching Tune up – $249.

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Summer’s over and it’s a great time of year to check in with your goals to keep you on track. Remember going back to school in September and feeling the exhilaration of everything new? For a limited time you can have 3 coaching sessions with Bradley Foster for $249.* I can help you get your motivation back, moving toward your vision and achieving your goals. It’s like a tune up for your brain! This offer is of special interest to my former clients although it is open to anyone who feels they need a check in and a tune up! Send an email to bfoster@giantstepscoaching.com to take advantage of this offer.
Expires Oct. 31. *(US dollars)

Men’s Group

Just a reminder that Stephen Douglas MA and I are running a Men’s Circle starting October 7^th and running through until June, 2010. Stephen is a talented psychotherapist with an interest in shamanism and I will be there in my capacity as a group leader and a coach, holding the centre. If you know of any men in Toronto (west end) who would be interested in our group, please pass along this note. You can find out more about it at http://giantstepscoaching.com/mens.htm

Deep Coaching
I continue to get great feedback on my book published a year ago called Deep Coaching: A Guide to Self Directed Living. If you haven’t already downloaded the first three free chapters, go to http://giantstepscoaching.com/deepcoaching.htm. I appreciate any feedback and of course you can purchase the book if you need to read all of it!

Thanks and take care of yourselves! Until next time…

Bradley Foster
416-537-7282

Men’s Circle

I’m running a men’s circle with psychotherapist Stephen Douglas from October to June 2010. If you or anyone you know is interested in this, please read below and contact either of us. You can find more information at : http://giantstepscoaching.com/mens.htm. I welcome any comments…

/Bradley

You are invited to become a part of an experiential men’s group focusing on personal development and what it means to be a man in the world today with changing needs and roles. How do we balance our masculine and feminine selves, develop our creativity, be fully self-responsible, and foster loving healthy relationships?

The goal of the bi-weekly men’s medicine group is to create the opportunity for men to share, explore any patterns that may keep them restricted in negative beliefs and attitudes, consider new possibilities and develop healthy choices to bring balance within their lives.

This groups provides gestalt and shamanic (a native tradition of balancing all aspects of our lives) psychotherapy and coaching for men in group format. It can be effective in addressing issues of addiction, anxiety, anger, depression, stress, and recurring shifting patterns that lead to relationship conflict or loss.

Group participation includes the sharing of experience, reflection, and psychodrama.

The medicine wheel offers a broader perspective on our choices, how to restore our alignment with the world and identify patterns and behaviors that we as men may wish to change.

“…Things used to get me so upset. I no longer worry about things
I can’t change. It’s helped me to put my energy to better use.”

- client, June 2005

Format:
Our group meets two Wednesday evenings each month, 7:30 – 9:30 pm, in the west end of Toronto.

Registered participants are requested to make a 10-month commitment to the group. Fees can be paid in instalments. All men are welcome but there is only room for 12 at which point registration will be closed.

Registration:

Registration for our group is now available and will be closed in September.

Fee:
$50.00 per meeting, incl GST.

To register call Stephen Douglas at 416 766-7321 or Bradley Foster at 416 537-7282 and please be aware that enrolment is on a first come, first served basis.

“ I’m extremely satisfied. This is a great resource.”

- client, May 2004

-

Co-facilitators:

Bradley Foster MA is a coach and founder of Giant Steps Coaching. Bradley has a three year degree in Leadership and Psychotherapy from the Gestalt Institute of Toronto in addition to coach training from the Gestalt Institute and the Coach’s Training Institute. He brings a wealth of experience and aptitudes to the exciting and fulfilling work of coaching. He has written articles for professional journals, newspapers and magazines.

Stephen Douglas MA OACCPP(C) has provided psychotherapy to help clients experience emotional change through individual and family sessions, groups and workshops for over fifteen years. Stephen is the Director for Professional Development on the Board of the OACCPP and has written articles for Psychologica, Shared Vision, Humanist Perspectives, The Gestalt Journal, and The B.C.Counsellor.

The Goldilocks Syndrome

Definition: An extreme sense of entitlement. Expectation of Manna falling from heaven without acknowledgment or gratitude. Named for the ungrateful character in Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Twenty years ago, when my three year old daughter christened our tortoise Goldilocks, I always thought it was a very odd name for a beast with no visible hair on her gnarly body, blonde or not. Twenty years on, her appellation seems highly appropriate after all.

I failed to see what perhaps my daughter perceived that Goldilocks shares her namesake’s sense of entitlement. When the ‘real’ Goldilocks comes upon the cottage in the woods, she helps herself to whatever she finds. Not content to enjoy the amenities, she has the pluck to be fussy about everything she finds: one bed is too hard, one is too soft. As if everything exists for her pleasure, she never considers who it belongs to, that she might be imposing, doesn’t feel remorse after eating their porridge or breaking their furniture or feel the least bit grateful. Perhaps Goldilocks and the Three Bears can be seen as a way of teaching children how to be a better guest.

When Goldilocks (the turtle) is hungry, she rouses herself from the box where she sleeps and clatters into the kitchen. Especially when she detects cooking smells, she cranes her neck expectantly. More often than not, a chunk of curried beef, a raw shrimp (shelled and cut up) or a piece of mango drops in front of her. She eats (imagine a steam shovel tearing away at a piece of meat the size of a car), she defecates, and then returns to her box. To me, it feels like she has an expectation that tasty snacks fall from the sky when she is hungry…and she’s usually right. Any acknowledgement (apart from emptying her bowels), appreciation or gratitude is not part of this equation.

I chuckled at my turtle’s apparent sense of entitlement. I told my friends about her but then I began to notice that her attitude isn’t that unique. My teenage children appear when they are hungry, snacks materialize in front of them, they eat, and they leave, all with a disturbing lack of appreciation or gratitude. Could it be contagious? Is there something I’m doing wrong?

I have since dubbed this extreme form of entitlement, the Goldilocks Syndrome. I notice it at work and in many aspects of my life. I see it in beggars, princes’ and princesses, in General Motors and in those who expect something for nothing. My teenagers will grow out of it as they mature and learn that stuff doesn’t just fall from the sky. Like many of us, they become more grateful and appreciative as they learn how to fend for themselves. As for Goldilocks, there isn’t much I can do but toss her a chunk of mango once in a while and hope that food appears when she needs it.

Boys into Men: Sometimes You Just have to Stop and Ask for Directions…

The guy who divorces his wife, gets a hot girlfriend and buys a red Corvette is a hoary but oft repeated stereotype of a man going through a midlife crisis. It’s unclear what comes first, the girlfriend or the sports car but that doesn’t really matter. I work with men going through mid life transitions and to my knowledge, not one of them owns a sports car. My ideal client is the guy who is a little afraid to ask for directions but he can do it. Hardly typical, I know.

Just about every man goes through some kind of mid life transition between the ages of 35 and 50. What they get out of it is entirely up to them but when they go through it is not often their choice. A mid life transition can be as gentle as feeling a little uncomfortable to a full blown identity crisis.

Let’s start with the full blown identity crisis shall we? A surprising number of men I work with claim that they do not feel like men at all. They feel like boys dressed in men’s clothing who act like men and who talk like they think men should talk. Somehow the line between childhood and being all grown up was never traversed. Men in this predicament have a very profound fear that they are going to be found out and exposed, as if someone will rip off their mask and find the scared boy masquerading in a suit and tie.

At some point these men/boys get fed up pretending and want to get real. The only problem is that they have been pretending so long, they have no idea how to be real or how to be a man. Typically, before they stop to ask for help they medicate their pain with drugs, alcohol, women, work, golf and just about anything that distracts them from the real issues.

So how does it happen that boys don’t turn into men? Just about every “primitive” society has initiation rites into manhood before boys are welcomed to join the tribe as a man. For instance, in Native American society, boys are sent on a spirit quest to find their purpose before being considered a warrior. If a boy isn’t initiated into manhood, he stays immature, hence a fascination with cars, sports figures, accumulation and ride on tractors, things a five year old could relate to.

Beyond trivial representations, modern society has no such customs. Getting a driver’s license, having a bar mitzvah, getting a credit card, being allowed to vote or having sex aren’t transformative. So boys become men in name only and somehow keep up the pretenses until they lose their sense of purpose often between 35 and 50. As most therapists, coaches and counselors are aware, before they seek help, most of their clients have to hit the wall, get stuck or become total wrecks. On top of that, most men just won’t ask for directions and consequently never seek help.

I realize that the men I work with are not a representative sample; it’s just my experience from where I stand. I’ve seen some incredible flowering of manhood, liberation from the tyranny of self-imposed restrictions, taking responsibility and freedom from negative thinking when boys claim their due. Some of the most dramatic results I’ve seen are in my men’s group where peer feedback, group trust and sharing combine to validate each other.

For a lot of men, being a boy meant death by a thousand cuts, often reflected in poor body image and low self esteem, presided over by distant, often alcoholic fathers, negligent mothers and other forms of more or less subtle abuse. Their wounds never heal until men feel they are in a safe environment where they can share their pain with each other. What they find is that, no matter what happened to them, where they grew up, what their family situation was, they have a hell of a lot in common and their current predicaments are pretty similar. They come to see that ripping off the mask isn’t such a big deal after all and in fact has to happen for their own growth.

So how does a boy grow into a man? Short of sending him to war, we can help boys become men in a therapeutic environment. There is something about the process of a man admitting all the little cuts of childhood to himself and his peers, getting support, being validated and encouraged to become more authentic that allows men to let go of the past and take responsibility for who they are and what they do. In a men’s group it comes through bonding but it can happen in a therapist’s office and in a marriage when both partners are open and unafraid. With responsibility comes maturity and the boy becomes a man.

So what can you do to help if a man you know who is going through a transition? Support him, help him open up and encourage him to ask for directions. Asking for directions might include joining a men’s group, seeing a therapist, coach or being open to talking in a fearless way with his peers. Remember, it’s not what you do but the work the man does that’s important. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

What will you see if you do? If you have a relationship with such a man you will find him becoming more real, taking more responsibility for his actions, more supportive, able to take support, more aware of his impact on others, able to be vulnerable, less neurotic, less anxious or angry. Remember, he may not know how to ‘be a man’ or be real so he may need some help. There is help out there and a lot of guys like him who are looking to connect.

As for the guy motoring into the sunset in his Porsche, well, on some level he’s decided there’s no point growing up. He’s taking the easy way out but the real value is discovering what’s inside and being willing to show it, not how many toys you have.

Review – Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real

Thomas D’Ansembourg, Puddle Dancer Press, 2007

Being Genuine is simply stated, one of the best books I have read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Thomas D’Ansembourg is a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication Process but rather than simply restating Rosenberg’s principles, he enhances and adds a new dimension to non-violent communication based on his experience as a psychotherapist and youth counselor. Anyone who learns and practices his four simple steps will quickly discover that their everyday communication becomes clearer, less judgmental and less conflictual because they are taking responsibility for their feelings and actions and creating a space to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can get their needs met without fear of conflict.

Originally published in France in 2001, the English translation has only recently been published in North America. As D’Ansembourg cares deeply about the language he uses, the book is beautifully and elegantly written, a joy to read with a terrific translation. He wears several hats at appropriate times in the book. As a psychotherapist he delves into the psychology of why and how we become disassociated from ourselves. Being nice is a function of neglecting our needs, of not listening to ourselves so we can fulfill the needs of others. As a philosopher, D’Ansembourg examine larger theoretical issues of the individual in society and the meaning and value we place on language. As a coach, he is gentle and thoughtful but persistent as he guides us through our confusion and anxiety with practical, easy to follow steps and appropriate actions.

As one who reads a lot of self help books (and contributed to the genre) I am happy to say that this book is a cut above the rest. The principles he outlines are so basic and so crucial to good communication, every child should be taught them at an early age. He makes the point that if a fraction of military budgets were devoted to teaching communication skills, there would be fewer conflicts and less crimes of aggression. So go our priorities. The basic problem is more of us are taught to ‘be nice’ rather than to be genuine. The result is that we grow up servicing the needs of others and even when we know something is wrong, we lack the language and the skills to be our authentic selves. As a coach I see this “servicing” behavior all too often. Having a resource like Being Genuine makes my task of transforming clients easier.

I can best describe Being Genuine as a highly readable manual of authentic communication, full of examples, theory and genuine warmth. D’Ansembourg describes the four steps:

Observation: We are reacting to something we observe, we hear, or we’re saying to ourselves

Feeling: The above observation generates within us one or more feelings.

Need: The feelings guide us to our needs.

Request: Aware now of our needs, we can make a request or implement concrete action.

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. The trick for the learner of being genuine is to break free of old beliefs and patterns but this can be done with a bit of awareness and some practice. D’Ansembourg believes that what passes today for communication is aggressive and violent. For instance when judgments and blame come up, it’s like slamming a door in the conversation. The receiver of this treatment usually responds defensively and often returns the blame and aggression. His method of communication is like opening a door and inviting your partner through it to come in and have a chat by the fire. But rather than waiting on them hand and foot, it’s about articulating your needs and feelings to help ensure that you get seen by the other. If their needs are not the same as yours then a compromise can be negotiated, but this is only possible when each side is aware of each other’s needs.

Although his respectful techniques may be a bit too touchy-feely for the office bully, the spirit of his teaching can easily be adapted and integrated into a clearer awareness of how humans communicate or more likely, fail to communicate. I have integrated D’Ansembourg’s simple and effective techniques into my coaching with great success, especially for clients who have spent too much of their lives being nice at their own expense. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn how to communicate authentically or to any professional who is in the business of working with clients who can use a boost in the communication area, which in my experience is just about everyone.

Bradley Foster is an experienced Toronto-based life and executive coach with clients on three continents. He is the author of Deep Coaching: A Guide to Self Directed Living and regularly contributes articles and reviews to magazines and journals. He can be reached at bfoster@giantstepscoaching.com or you can visit his website at: www.giantstepscoaching.com.

Values, Desires and Beliefs

Values, beliefs and desires. An excerpt from Deep Coaching: A Guide to Self Directed Living

Are you at the Top of Your Agenda?

Bradley Foster

Our days are just not long enough and when many of us are  working upwards of sixty hours a week, good time management skills can make the difference between feeling successful or feeling like a failure, between feeling satisfaction or disappointment. Despite having access to a vast range of time management assistance some of us remain unable to use our time well.

In working with clients the first thing I do is look for the obvious. So when Mary came to me asking for help with time management problems, I asked to see her agenda. Although Mary is a bright, highly motivated and self directed woman she has been unable to finish her dissertation and complete a certification she has spent several years working on and thousands of dollars of her money.

The thing that stood out about her agenda was that she had put all the things she claimed she wanted to do at the bottom in tiny print, not as agenda items, but floating off in a space by themselves. Tasks she is performing for others is up at the top of her agenda in large, bold letters. The obvious thing to me about her agenda is that she unconsciously sidelines herself. Because her work is not high on her list, on some level she doesn’t consider it to be important.

Mary is a very confident woman with high self esteem, but she shows a lot of resistance to getting her dissertation done. To get her back onto her own agenda, I had her write “Me First” at the top of the page in large letters. It’s not enough just to write the words, my client had to come around to the idea that her time was valuable and take responsibility for it. This didn’t happen over night.

The second obvious thing I noticed about my client’s time management habits was that she was doing a gazillion things. At first I thought she must be successful and extremely well organized to get so much done until it struck me that she was using this busyness to avoid doing her own stuff. Pretty creative eh?

Mary admitted to me that a lot of what she does all day is a distraction from doing the work she really wants to do; she even distracts herself from her distractions. She also has a bad habit of starting things she is unable or not interested in finishing—which led us to something even juicier but I don’t want to get off topic. The point is that she began to realize how much energy she puts into avoiding her own work—energy that she could put to better use elsewhere.

I asked Mary if she could put herself first. Move those tiny agenda items up to the top and write them in large letters. To make some space for her to get her work done, I asked her to prioritize the other work and if possible chop out the work she identified as busy work. She was able to drop several projects when she realized that they were distractions from what she really wants to do.

Mary is working against her resistance which is hard work. For homework, I asked her to be aware of how she distracts herself. Every minute taken to fold socks or rearrange the files takes valuable minutes and energy from the most productive part of her day. Since then, she now makes a point of seeing each part of her day through without seeking distractions, well almost.

Because the task of completing her thesis seemed overwhelming, I asked her to break it down into smaller pieces that can be managed in a few hours. Mary still distracts herself but she is aware of it and much more focused on her goals.

There can be many reasons why you are not at the top of your agenda. In most cases coaching can help you become the number one person in your life. A good coach will help you identify the patterns in your life that no longer work for you so you can achieve your goals and lead a happier and more productive life.

Coach Bradley is a Gestalt trained coach based in Toronto.

Making New Years’ Resolutions That Stick

by Bradley Foster

“This year, I resolve to make more time for myself in my schedule.” Sound familiar? Every year we make New Years’ resolutions with the idea that we will turn ourselves into better people if we just make a resolution. If we could only become more fit because we buy a membership to a gym, we would all look like Venuses or Adonises. But it’s not that easy. Achieving our goals is a round the clock, day in day out, month to month and year to year effort.

How many times do you see advertisements telling you that you can have what you want whether it’s a new lifestyle, more friends or nicer hair if you just buy something? So how do you make resolutions that stick and actually effect real change?

The New Year just happens to be a time when most of us pause and reflect. We may become aware that something is missing from our lives or that those resolutions made last year have somehow slipped by the wayside in our busy lives. The best way to make a resolution that you are going to stick with is to consider:

1. How motivated am I to change?
2. Is my resolution in line with my long term goals?
3. Have I framed my resolution in a positive way?
4. Can I take practical steps that are reasonable and do-able
5. Can I make myself accountable to achieve results?

Becoming aware that something needs to change in your life is the first step to growth, being motivated to change is another  thing all together.

Let’s take my example: I want to make more time for myself instead of giving it away. I am motivated by my resolution because having more time for myself will make a big difference in my enjoyment of life. I will have time to read books, see friends, take a course or just do what I feel like in the moment. Imagine that! I’m definitely motivated!

My long term goals are to be financially independent, successful, happy, secure and having time to enjoy life. Making time for myself is in line with my long term goals and actually makes the last one more achievable. My resolution makes me feel as if I am getting closer to aligning my goals with my life. This is something I want!

I framed my resolution in a positive way. My goal is a positive one. It is something I am willing to work toward because it has a good outcome for me and I will feel positive about achieving change. Feeling positive about my resolution helps me to fulfill it.

Starting today I will take steps to find more time for myself. I resolve to leave one evening unplanned each week to do what ever I feel like doing and as I tend to work through lunch I will schedule a one hour break for lunch at least once a week. Notice I am taking small steps toward my goal? I am doing what I feel I can manage. If I take too radical a change I may doom my efforts, winding up with too much time on my hands and leaving other parts of my life neglected. I can manage small changes in behavior and when I feel ready, I will take on more.

Making myself accountable is one of the biggest challenges of making resolutions stick and it is one of the reasons why we all backslide on them. I will rely on my coach to help me with this one. Each week I will check in with her to give her a progress report. When I first started working with her, she gave me a life wheel to complete. Filling the chart in, I noticed that I had been neglecting my personal life, so this became a focus of our work. Little by little I have been reclaiming more of my time for my own use while I work toward my other goals.

There’s nothing wrong with making resolutions at this time of the year because this is as good a time any to make positive changes that enhance your life. Follow the simple steps and if you are not already working with a coach, find one. A coach will help you identify your strengths and work with them to help you define the steps you must take to reach your goals.

I have coaches as clients and as a coach I have a coach. A coach will keep you on track all year long so next year you won’t be mumbling the same old resolutions from last year.

Happy New Year!
And may all your resolutions stick!

Coach Bradley

Book Review: If You Hear the Message Three Times, Listen

If You Hear the Message Three Times, LISTEN
by Patricia Heller
Hampton Roads Publishing Company
283 pages
Reviewed by Bradley Foster
Giant Steps Coaching

If You Hear the Message is a highly readable and inspiring account of Patricia Heller’s transformation from being a sufferer of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) to becoming a spiritual and self aware healer. She takes us on a journey from having an ‘incurable’ illness that she cured, to investigating healing hands, past life regression, shamanism, manifesting greatness, automatic writing, heart centred transformation, her inner gypsy woman and many more. The book is actually an excellent survey of the healing arts in America over the past fifteen years.

The title refers to what she calls “listening to the universe”. When you hear the same message three times, it is time to pay attention.  She gives several examples of when she heard messages three times before she got it. In a heart centred transformation centre in the Arizona desert she heard the teacher tell someone to move her energy to her heart and ‘let it go’. This didn’t make any sense to her at all. The second time she was in awe standing over the Grand Canyon.  She turned to her teacher and told her how it was so beautiful it hurt her heart. She was told to ‘let it go.’ She looked at him as if he was an alien. Let go of what, she thought? During a full blown attack of CFS at the centre she was again told to ‘let it go’ when the penny finally dropped. She realized that holding onto her anger was making her physically sick. She had to hear it three times before she was able to really hear it and ‘get it’. That was her last attack of CFS.

In case you are thinking there isn’t a healing art Patricia doesn’t like, rest assured that she approaches them intelligently and with a healthy skepticism that is often absent in books of this type. The road she is on is long and winding, full of insights, pot holes, blind alleys and magnificent vistas. Patricia takes us on the tour with excitement, passion and humility, without trying to make us into converts or convince us that she has found ‘the path’ to enlightenment. In a graceful and humble way, she describes what she found on her own quest for enlightenment and if there is a piece you can take away from it then she has done her job.

Readers are rewarded by Patricia’s insights and warmth; she does an excellent job of writing clearly and extracting the meaning out her experiences. I marveled at her curiosity and capacity to absorb and integrate so many different teachings and to draw important lessons from them that have relevance for a general audience. This book is especially exciting for those who are or who are thinking of going on a similar journey of self discovery.

As a coach I am constantly reminded that it is not the events that shape our lives so much as how we respond to them that is what makes us who we are. This book demonstrates how a woman with spunk, determination, courage, curiosity, a great sense of humour overcame a seemingly hopeless situation and the death of her husband to arrive in a place of wisdom, compassion and happiness. 

Bradley Foster is a Gestalt-trained life and leadership coach who lives in Toronto and practices across North America.